Find your Tribe(s)

Community is so important. I can’t stress this enough.

I’ve been thinking about different experiences I want to write about, and I realized that the most impactful and lasting changes in my life have come about because I was able to find a group of like-minded people who shared that interest and welcomed me in wholeheartedly. So, I decided to first do a general post about the importance of finding that kind of support for both behavior change and general happiness.

You may have heard of “Blue Zones,” communities around the world with the highest life expectancy or highest proportion of people who reach the age 100. Researchers identified 9 healthy lifestyle habits shared by the communities. I see Blue Zones brought up a lot in discussions about eating healthy and plant based diets, but equally important, I think, is that three of the nine traits relate to community and belonging (belonging to a faith-based community, putting loved ones first, and having social circles that encouraged healthy behaviors).

Blue Zones are fascinating, and I could probably do a whole post about how each of those 9 lifestyle habits relate to sustainability (*note to self*). But here I want to focus on the community bit. Because not only is community important for happiness, there is also a load of behavior change research that supports the idea that including others in your behavior change efforts,  which could range from being part of a group trying to make the same change to simply telling others about your goals, will greatly increase the likelihood that the change persists.

But finding a Tribe is hard. Speaking as a recent(ish) college grad who just moved to a new city, I know this is true. And it’s not just young people who have this problem, anyone going through a life change, be it having kids, moving, or retirement, can suddenly find it hard to make new friends. Meeting new people is hard, and having the kind of repeated interactions needed to build rapport and eventually friendship is even harder. You may find some of that from your work, if you’re lucky, but with the rise of remote working and the reality that the average career path now is anything but linear makes even that more difficult. So how do you find a tribe?

Here are some things that worked for me. If you have other tips, let me know in the comments!

• Take a class. There are probably five tribes that have meant the most to me in the past 5 years (and probably my life so far), and I found three of them, (improv, exercise and sustainability) by deciding to take a class or enroll in a program. Yes, this cost money. Yes, I had anxiety about spending that much money (this is a whole other post in the making, just wait). Yes, it was worth it.
• Just show up. I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I have social anxiety. It’s gotten better, but I still get scared anytime I decide to try something new or decide to socialize with a new group. But the key (as I discussed in “Go Boldly“) is to do it anyway. To just show up. Yeah, it may be awkward and uncomfortable at first. And it may take a few classes/meetings before you feel comfortable. But you have to move through that fear and discomfort to grow. In fact, the reason my social anxiety has decreased is because I did this (Bonus!)
• Make it a regular thing. One of the reasons classes were useful for me was because I didn’t just take a single class. We met regularly for several weeks (at least). So even if classes aren’t your thing and you’d rather find a meetup group or volunteer with some organization, make sure you don’t just go once and give up. Commit to showing up at least three or four times before deciding if the group is for you.
• Initiate the conversation. This is one I still struggle with honestly, because I always feel like I don’t know what to say. And I admit, this is way scarier for someone with social anxiety than just showing up to a class. But you have to realize that there are a ton of people in your same boat: looking for connection, but scared to make the first move. Can’t find a class or meetup group you’re interested in? Create one! It could be a book club, game night, or even just a regular hangout at a local coffee shop. Or just be the one to invite people out for drinks after work. And if you don’t get any takers, ask again next week! (Make it a regular thing!)

I also want to mention online communities as a possibility. I personally haven’t engaged meaningfully with them. The communities I interact with online are all people that I met in real life first. But, I do know some people who have found meaningful tribes and friendships online (staring at your facebook or insta feed doesn’t count!), and this is a great option for people who, for whatever reason, have barriers to finding like minded people outside their home or in the place they live. (If you’re someone who has found a meaningful online tribe, I’d love your perspective!)

And, it should go without saying, that if, after a few meetings, you’re still not resonating with a particular group or enjoying an activity, then it’s totally ok to walk away. But don’t take that as meaning that you’ll never find a tribe! You just haven’t found the right one yet.

Finally, I want to stress that you don’t have to have just one Tribe, in fact you’ll probably be happier with several communities that speak to the different interests in your life. You don’t want to fall into the trap of having a single Tribe that acts as an echo chamber and eliminates your ability to see things from multiple perspectives. This is so important if you’re interested in growing as a person and making the world a better place! We are made of multitudes, and the expectation that one community is going to serve all of your needs for socialization and fulfillment is unrealistic, and having that expectation may lead you to leaving a perfectly good tribe that doesn’t meet those criteria.

No matter what kind of change you want to embark on, find a way to make it social! It will make it easier to stick to, more fun, and maximize the positive effects, and those are three things necessary for flourishing.